January 2, 2014

Dear Darren,

I’ve been dating my gf for three months and I can tell she’s already getting bored in bed. I try to mix up positions and act dominant but I’m not a very sexually adventurous guy. I want to stay with her but I’m afraid I can’t hold her interest. What can I do to spice things up in bed without getting too crazy?

James, Shadyside

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James,

It sounds like the problem is that you’re not good at sex. Have you considered that maybe she’s not the one for you? Sex is the handshake that makes the business of love happen. And it seems like she’s better at shaking hands.

This may be harsh, but your girlfriend deserves to get her sponge wrung by somebody who knows how to do that kind of stuff, somebody on her level. What you need to do is find somebody as sexually terrible as you are. You’ll feel better.

If you really think this is just a matter of spicing things up, you could try something I call “Jiggledick,” a portmanteau of “dick” and “jiggle.” I invented this technique one day while I was watching an erotic video starring a redheaded bikini model shot on a webcamera. She had large breasts.

I remember after she helicoptered her boobs, she reached into the hamper, and pulled out the single largest vibrator I had ever seen in my life. It was the size and shape of a large penis. She looked into the camera hotly, then turned on the vibrator. It started flopping and convulsing in her hands, in a way that I remember thinking looked fish-like. She used it on her vagina, rubbing it on the top part and then inserting it into the bottom part, then started yelping with pleasure. She was super into it.

That’s when I thought to myself, “if gals use vibrations to get orgasms, then why don’t mens’ penises vibrate?” I pulled down my shorts, stood up and started mock-lovemaking the air like a human vibrator, shaking and jiggling my lower half as though I were being jiggled. After a minute, I flipped her over into imaginary doggystyle and accelerated the vibrations, letting them spread over my limbs, sort of like being electrocuted or having a seizure. My cousin Brandon has epilepsy so I know. I shook from head to toe, my arms and legs flailing passionately, while maintaining polyrhythmic thrusts with my hips and while also masturbating. It was a “eureka” moment.

Since that morning, I’ve used jiggldick every time I’ve had sex and it has worked I believe. So if you’re committed to making your relationship work, James, this is one thing you could try to make your girlfriend like having sex with you.

But remember, it only works if your whole body is moving and you are committed to the dance. “Be the vibrator,” I often say. Also, this technique works much better in doggystyle. Don’t use the dildajiggles in missionary, it will terrify her.

Good luck James.

Love,

Darren

PS: Brandon later pointed out I should have called this move “sexilepsy.”

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