January 10, 2014

Dear Darren,

Last year, I broke up with my girlfriend of four years and ever since, I’ve had a problem with premature ejaculation. The girls I’ve slept with recently are way hotter than I’m used to, so I’m worried that I don’t have the stamina to make it above my league. What should I do?

Anonymous, North Oakland


Dear Anonymous,

Changing leagues is always tough, but even with its challenges, upgrading to a higher echelon of babe is what you’d call a “good problem.” Premature ejaculation is the easy part!

I’ve never had this problem myself, but one thing I like to do is just pretend that it didn’t happen. She won’t notice unless she sees it, so you’re going to want to make sure your penis is not exposed for her to witness exploding. Hide your penis in the vagina, or in a darkly colored condom, or sometimes I just tuck it back between my legs and cum into the blanket. They never notice.

If you lose control and she happens to witness the ejaculation, play it off like it’s pre-cum. If she acts like that’s not a thing, tell her to “look it up” and shoot her a mean glance, but don’t try to explain what pre-cum is, you’ll sound foolish. If she doesn’t believe that it’s pre-cum, just tell her it’s pee.

One time, I hooked up with a beautiful South American, named Diane, whose intense beauty and robust figure made me cum extremely quickly. This was at a room at an elegant hostel in Toronto where we were both staying, sharing the commune room. I met Diane playing foosball in the game room. She spoke English terribly, but luckily we both spoke the language of love: Cantonese. After some white wine and poutine, a spark was sparked between us and we were soon entangled in each other’s arms, nude, in Diane’s bed. Sex was gonna happen.

Her body was warm and profoundly soft and I soon found myself overwhelmed. In a sudden rush of wild and primeval ecstasy, I shot an inordinate amount of semen onto her stomach and bellowed a masculine moan. When I came to, Diane was wearing a look of considerable emotion.

She grabbed my t-shirt from the floor and cleared the semen off her abdomen, then instructed me to get hard again “so we could actually have sex.” I agreed and started trying to get erect, while Diane scowled at me lustily. By the time I was hard again, she said she didn’t feel like it anymore. The next morning, Diane was gone from the hostel and out of my life forever.

The point, Anonymous, is that Diane was out of my league and I prematurely came on her and now everything’s fine. Don’t worry about how you cum, just do it.

“Cum early and cum often,” I always say.

Love, peace, and potato latkes, Darren


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