January 14, 2014

Dear Darren, 

My boyfriend insists on going down on me every time we have sex, but I’ve never been a fan of it (no matter the guy). It’s basically turned into a chore every time we have sex. I know he means well, but I don’t want to have to keep lying to him. How do I tell him that I don’t want him to go down on me without hurting his feelings?

Kate, Mt. Washington

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Dear Kate,

It’s best not to be honest about it because men are sensitive about cunnilingus. It’s kind of our thing. How would you feel if he told you you were bad at driving a car? It’d feel like an unfair stereotype, wouldn’t it? Personally, I’ve done cunnilingus so many times it’s like driving a car but maybe your boyfriend hasn’t so I’ll try to help you out.

One time, in college, I had a beautiful sophomore in my bed after a night of college partying. She was undeclared, but she could have majored in sex. She was that good. We frenchkissed naked for a while, then I started kissing and chewing on her collarbones. She was super into it.

By the time I reached her midriff, she grew frustrated with sexiness and pushed my face in between her legs. I knew just what to do. Rubbing my nostrils and goatee above and below her vagina, I began reciting the Pledge Of Allegiance, as I had been taught, putting emphasis on the sounds that required a lot of teeth, tongue and lips. She winced with joy. By the time I reached “one republic under god”, she was literally moaning.

She got so aroused that she began pushing my head violently into her business. Every time I tried to gasp for air, she’d grab the hair on the top of my head and direct me back to her crotch, not unlike the rat in ‘Ratatouille.’ Despite, or maybe because of the lack of oxygen, I was super into it.

That is, until I detected a strange feeling in the top front portion of my face, right between my eyes but a little bit lower, in the bridge of my nose-area, it felt like my sinuses were emptying. That’s when I realized the facial-vaginal collisions had given me a bloody nose. I was leaking blood like a faucet.

It was dark so she couldn’t see it, and she was also drunk so she didn’t notice the puddle of blood gathering about her anus and vagina. My initial reaction was to get up and plug the wound, but just as I was about to do so, I noticed the immense upswing in arousal she was displaying. So I kept going. The more I bled, the more wet with blood her vagina got and the results were phenomenal. I don’t want to be coarse, but she came like a faucet.

The next morning, I tried to blame the pool of dried blood on her, by implying that maybe she was a virgin and that the bleeding was hymen-related. But she insisted that she wasn’t a virgin, so I tried to turn it into a compliment, by telling her she had the vagina of a virgin. She was flattered. Once she stopped crying, she called her sister to pick her up and went to wait for her on the porch.

Since then, I’ve used blood lots of times and it works every time, as long as she doesn’t notice the blood. Noses, gums and fingernails are all viable blood sources that you can open up without too much fanfare, as long as you’re subtle about it. These days I just make a little cut while shaving, then open it back up a few minutes before the cunnilingus and I’ve got gallons of the stuff ready to go. I’ve also noticed that saliva works.

So, Kate, my advice is to use blood.

Love,

Darren

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